For Better or for Best

Part IChapter 1Lasting Relationships Don''t Just Happen"An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels." Proverbs 31:10JIM STARED SILENTLY at the television set while Carol ached inside, wondering why he was angry at her again. They had only been married a year, and Carol could already see their relationship deteriorating. She couldn''t help but wonder if she would soon join the millions of other couples whose marriages have ended in divorce. When she finally broke the silence by asking Jim what was wrong, he refused to answer her. Hurting for a few minutes, she repeated the question. His response wounded her so deeply she began to doubt her adequacy as a wife.He said, "I''m sick and tired of you taking everything so seriously. You''re just too sensitive! If I had known you were this emotional, I probably never would have married you. But since we are married, I think you need to do your part. Cut out the overreacting and stop being so touchy about what I say and do. If we''re going to have any kind of marriage, you have to stop being so childish!"Sound familiar? With these harsh words, Jim unknowingly has set their relationship on a destructive path leading to some very unattractive changes-changes, which will likely lead to the ultimate disintegration of their relationship. Jim''s main problem, shared by thousands of other husbands, is that he fails to understand the basic difference between the natures of men and women. Jim has taken two of his wife''s greatest natural strengths, her sensitivity and intuitive awareness of life, and labeled them weaknesses. In response to Jim''s reproof, Carol, like thousands of other wives, will begin to form a calloused, hardened attitude toward life in general and Jim in particular. If their marriage lasts more than a few years, Jim will find to his dismay that Carol''s sensitivity has finally been subdued and that he has lost most or all of his attraction to her. If only he could remember that her sensitivity was one of the first things that attracted him. If only he understood that her alertness was one of her greatest strengths, and if he began treating her with tenderness, gentleness, and kindness, their relationship would grow stronger and more fulfilling.The emotional and mental differences between men and women (described in detail in chapter 3) can become insurmountable obstacles to a lasting, fulfilling relationship when ignored or misunderstood. However, those same differences, when recognized and appreciated, can become stepping-stones to a meaningful, fulfilling relationship.Women, for example, have a tremendous advantage in two of life''s most important areas: loving God and loving others (Matt. 22:36-40). Women have an intuitive ability to develop meaningful relationships and a desire for intimate communication, and this gives them the edge in what Jesus described as the two greatest commandments. Loving God and others is building relationships. God said that it was not good for man to dwell alone, and He created a significant Helper and Completer-woman. Men definitely need help with making and maintaining relationships, but how women help so that men listen and receive it is the thrust of this book.When a woman understands her strengths for what they are, her self-image will be practically indestructible, no matter how her husband belittles her. When both husband and wife understand each other and begin to respond to one another accordingly, their relationship can blossom into the marriage they dreamed of. Carol can begin to make Jim aware of her deeper needs for love, assurance, and security, without feeling selfish for desiring fulfillment of her needs. Unfortunately, at the rate Jim and Carol are going, it probably won''t be long before they join the ranks of the one-million-plus couples divorced each year in the United States.But don''t despair! Your marriage does not have to become part of these awesome statistics. With the right tools, you can carve a more fulNorma Smalley is the author of 'For Better or for Best', published 1982 under ISBN 9780310448716 and ISBN 0310448719.