Sweet, Terrible, Glorious Year I Truly, Completely Lost It

When Debbie told Dad she was marrying Brian, her new boyfriend of one month, Dad went ballistic. "Not Brian!" He leapt from his chair. "Anybody but Brian. I'd prefer that bloke who stole and hocked my tennis trophies . . . what was his name?" "His name was Bruce, Dad," said Debbie, with a sniff. "And he didn't steal your tennis trophies. You gave them away to St. Vinnie's." "I certainly did not!" Dad switched off the television. "One of those trophies was for the 1974 Buranderry Tennis Premiership and I certainly wouldn't have given it away. That was the year my backhand slice was so fierce and fast it took a piece out of your mother's backside. Hospitalized her, I did." "Only because you couldn't get your backhand over the net that year," said Mum, peering up from her cross-stitch. "And all the other women on the team were too scared to be your partner." My mum is always cross-stitching. The sunroom at the back of the house is full of cross-stitched fruit. Watermelon, grapes, a green apple, a Jonathan, a Red Delicious, a rockmelon, a mango, an orange and a lychee. Dad reckons it makes him feel like he lives in a fruit shop. Mum says it makes her feel peaceful. She can only cross-stitch fruit. She's tried veggies, but they never work out. "Dad," called Debbie. "We're not talking about tennis now, we're talking about Brian." "Oh blimey, him again! How did we get back to him?" Dad sank back into his recliner and closed his eyes. "He's asked me to marry him," said Debbie, strands of blond hair floating with static. "And I've said yes." Mum stood up. She put her arms around Debbie and gave her a big squeeze. "That's nice, Deb. He's a lovely boy, in his own way." "Where were you?" I asked. "In O'Riley's," Debbie said with a sigh. "He asked me at the spice rack." O'Riley's is the only supermarket in Buranderry. It's small, dim, overpriced and understocked, but everybody shops there because there's nowhere else to go. "He planned it carefully. He told me he wanted to buy Chinese five spice for the spice rack that he gave his mum for Christmas, and even though they only had out-of-date nutmeg, it was there he got down on his knees and said, 'Deborah Stone, will you spice up my life and be my wife!' " Dad slid the recliner back. "Why didn't you leave him there? You could have put a quick-sale clearance sign on him." "Very funny, Dad," said Debbie. "So you said . . . yes?" said Mum. "Of course," said Debbie. "They even announced it on the PA." For some reason, Stan O'Riley had installed a PA system even though the place is the size of a largish corner shop. The only time he ever uses it is when he's shouting out for his brother Ted to get off his bum, stop watching Oprah and serve customers. "Stan even gave us a gift voucher," said Debbie, as if she couldn't believe it. I've never liked Stan O'Riley. There is something grubby about the way he licks his pointy finger when he's trying to separate the plastic bags. Ted is my favorite checkout rooster. He likes ballroom dancing and when he's working, the place is full of music and the noise of his feet tapping on the linoleum. "When are you planning to get married?" asked Mum. "Sometime in spring," said Debbie. "How come Brian didn't ask me for your hand in marriage?" asked Dad. Debbie twirled her gold chain around her finger. "Oh Dad, nobody asks for permission anymore! That was only done in the Dark Ages when women were viewed as possessions." "I asked Bob for your mother's hand in marriage." "See what I mean!" Debbie shrugged. "I am so happy! Brian said it was the most original thought he's ever had--his idea ofShanahan, Lisa is the author of 'Sweet, Terrible, Glorious Year I Truly, Completely Lost It ', published 2007 under ISBN 9780385905053 and ISBN 038590505X.